Alright, fellas… it’s time to come clean and admit the terrible truth. Sometimes – not often – but sometimes, we make bad choices. I know, I know… it’s a shocking revelation to put out there, but it happens to each and every one of us sooner or later. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Sometimes, you choose the wrong girl. Sometimes, you turn down the right job. Sometimes, you wake up in a two-bit fleabag of a flophouse in Tijuana reeking of cheap mescal and covered in chicken feathers. We’ve all been there before, and in all likelihood, we’ll all be there again.
But I’m here to talk today about the most egregious sin any man can ever commit. I’m here to talk about making really, really, off-the-charts bad choices. I’m talking about guys who drive chick cars. Now there’s no need to cross your arms, puff out your chest, and declaim in a deep voice that you would never do such a thing. We’ve all done it. Sometimes, it just happens, and we’re unfortunately stuck driving a chick car. I myself once spent a month driving a canary yellow VW Cabriolet for reasons I’d rather not divulge in a public forum such as this one. Here’s a pro tip, boys – if you’re gonna drive a canary yellow car, make it a Ferrari or a Lambo.
But I digress. Now, I know for a fact most of you have been caught committing the same crime, so to speak. And that’s OK – I won’t tell on you. But we do need to take a closer look at the “chickiest” of chick cars that men should never be caught dead driving. We owe it to future generations of our male driving brethren to steer them away (you see what I did there, right?) from suffering through the same embarrassments we have. With that in mind, here are the 15 chick cars men should never drive.
OK, so let’s start with the car that’s forever burned a mark of shame in my soul. The VW Cabriolet is just not a guy car – never has been, never will be. From the design, I don’t think VW even wanted any guys to buy this car; unless, of course, it was middle-aged dads buying it for their teenage daughters. This was the chick car to have (if you were a chick) back in the late ‘90s and early aughts. If you remember Lilith Fair, Alanis Morissette, and when Courtney Love was relevant, then you probably remember this car. In fact. I’m pretty sure the parking lots at any Lilith Fair stop were full of these babies. Even painting it jet black couldn’t save this car from eternal chickdom. Also, what the hell is a “Cabriolet”? It sounds like a figure-skating move.
I know, I know… you’re getting a little bit older, settling into your first real job, your girlfriend is talking about marriage and maybe kids, and smart choices seem to rule the day for you. Plus, now that you’re all mature and respectable-like, you’re supposed to be concerned with the environment, with your carbon footprint, and with doing your part to keep the oil coming. All of those are smart, adult reasons to buy a Prius. But there’s one very good reason, better than any of those other ones, not to buy that Prius. Have you seen the thing? No seriously, have you really, really looked at one recently??? Those are not manly cars for manly men. Gimme a break – they’re practically chick clown cars. Women realtors, not guys, drive these cars.